Tuesday, 27 January 2009
Welcome to church
"Good morning ladies & gentlemen and welcome to our (Presbyterian) church service. If you're new this morning you may not be familiar with how things work, so here's some rules to get you started.
1. Under no circumstances raise your arms during the worship. Not even to scratch your head. When the Spirit is at work in us, He moves us to put our hands firmly in our pockets.
2. Unless you arrived with someone always leave a space between the person next to you - best to leave two if you can't remember the person's name - anything else is an invasion of privacy.
3. At the end of the service make for the exit at break neck speed. Do not make eye contact with the minister or youth worker, or else you'll find yourself doing a reading or leading the creche next week.
4. Never volunteer your gifts in service. Any real Christian leader will know what you can & cannot do by looking at you.
5. Remember to use the prayer slot to catch up on some sleep or reviewing the fun you had at the party last night.
6. Never open the pew Bible. They look much better covered in dust in front of you.
Thank you and enjoy your morning."